Chapter one of my book: Just a Dream Please review?

I just completed my first chapter so far, please let me know how I did:





Bella jumped up off her queen-sized fluffy bed. She rose, very slowly,


streching as she stood up onto the hardwood floor. Who was that man?


He was so gorgeous so absolutely perfect, but was he even real? "It


was just a dream"Bella whispered, disappointment stinging her words.





"Better start getting up and ready", Bella sighed. Despite her busy morning


of making her pink satin bed, changing into her red and pink laced corset


which showed her beautful curves and changing into the denim blue hip


huggers, which would make any man cry at the sight of her, she couldn't


shake off the feeling that took her over.





Bella's heart felt as if someone was tearing her to peices. A


slow painful torture that did not cease to end. Her entire body ached,


her veins felt like they were pooring acid inside her, her body burned.


She could not scream nor plead for mercy, she didn't even know what was


happening to her!





"Maybe I'd better take a walk", Bella softly said to herself. She tried


to fight the large, lump that was pushing against her throat, she wanted


to cry but what reason did she have to cry? Nothing happend to her,


just a dream that was too good to end. She tried to blink back the tears


but they fell down her face anyway. She wiped them off with the back of her


hand. Am I going insane? Bella wondered.





She placed a black sweater over her corset, despite it was Spring,


it was still a bit chilly, she grabbed her cell phone and walked out


the front door of her home and locked it behind her. Bella began to slowly


stride into the deep, lush-green forest ahead of her. She noticed the


pine trees and shrubs that now came to life after a long Winter had finally


ended, the lovely smell of the earth, the gorgeous out line of the sun


on the plants and ground. She began to relax.





"Bella we're serious losing our sanity aren't we?" She laughed. It had been


six months since the death of her parents, she was only seventeen, and


yet she lived as an adult would, she had a job as an CNA, she had one


barn but no horse , being the fact right now she could not afford that.


Bella thought of her mother's face, the lovely ocean blue eyes that


would make any one shiver, the beautful red hair that she had gotten from


her, Karen Defort, she thought that beautiful name that now


was just that, there was no soul to walk around and claim that name.





Something distracted her thoughts, a very spine tingling chill, not only


that awful feeling, but it was as if someone had their eyes looking over her. She


noticed a large, reddish colored, wolf slowly approach her, he now was


so close to her she could touch his head. His mouth turned to a sneer


the red eyes staring her down. Bella could not move, fear had frozen


her in place. Her mind was froze, she couldnt think, nor breathe, nor


blink, or smell, or hear except for the loud snarling that came from the wolf.





Before Bella could even escape, the wolf had her on the ground, his teeth just


inches from her neck. Life was about to end, was what Bella believed maybe it


would solve all of the pain she felt not only because of her mother's death but also


because of the emotional scars that was left after having her abusive, now ex-boyfriend,


thrown in jail on countless charges. Would she ever be whole again? That didn't matter


now her life was about to end right before her eyes. The wolf now transformed into


a man a very disturbing man, his skin was pale, to the point it was transluscent, his eyes


were a blood red color and his face was of a killer, he was no normal gentleman. His smile


showed all of his white teeth and two large fangs. He was tall but not as tall as the man


in her dreams. His hair stood up in large reddish orange spikes.





"Hi there", he snarled.





"H-h-hi", Bella stammered back. She tried to move but her legs just would not do it,it was as if


they were numb. "Oh, are you scared?", he smiled, obvious that the fact enlightened him. "Well


let me introudce myself, I am Slade, and I'm going to take your life away, but dont worry it'll


hurt for a second, a long second that is, the insanity from the pain will numb you before you


even realise your time is up!", he retorted. He lowered more closer to her neck, half an inch


away. But before any pain could even register,the world turned black on Bella. She heard a scream


but it was not her own, she heard flesh being torn, she heard someone else's voice that was not


Slade's own nor hers. Then it hit her, she fell under a deep sleep.





The next time Bella woke up she was on a bed, it wasn't her own. Where was she? This was not her


house the walls were a deep red almost golden colored in a way. The room was beautiful the lovely


black satin sheets, the long flowing canopy that covered the bed, and the beautiful wooden furniture


a dresser, a desk with a laptop on it, and a large flat screen TV that sat in front of of the bed


. Suddenly, someone knocked. "Come in!", Bella said.





"Hey there, sunshine how are you doing?", the man smiled. He was so so beautiful, his long brown


hair flowed gracefully down his shoulders, to his muscular stomach. His skin was pale but not like


Slade's was, his beautiful brown eyes full of warmth and joy, and his beautiful luscous lips, and finally,


his voice the sweet, mesmerising song that danced from his mouth. That's when she realised it, it


was him! The same man in her dreams!





"I'm great thank you for asking!", Bella grinned. "Let me introuduce myself to you, it was horribly


rude of me not to, I'm Jasper Deliente and you just were rescued from a very malicious vampire", Jasper


exclaimed. "My name is Bella, it's very nice to meet you", Bella grinned and shook his hand but


as she did she yanked it away suddenly in vicious, tormenting pain. "Ouch it hurts it hurts make


it stop!", Bella cried. "Shh, calm down it's alright hang on, now dont flip out please I don't want


to scare you", Jasper instructed as he took her hand, his teeth prying around the two holes on her


arm he began to gently suck out the black poison that would have sealed Bella's fate, if it was not


taken care of early. As Jasper did this, heat rushed through her, her blood boiled, her skin danced


at his touch, it was warm and gentle it made her tingle inside. She wanted to feel this way forever


without end. "You are safe now, Bella it's all gone", Jasper smiled.





"How did you find me?", Bella asked. Jasper wanted to tell her the truth, his soul screamed to


but he could not, not yet, not until she was more sane to comprehend. "I heard you scream, how


did you even find him anyhow?", Jasper responded. "I went for a walk to, clear my hand if you will,


and I saw this wolf and it had me pinned and before I could actually move the wolf turned into that


vampire", Bella replied, chosing the words carefully. Did vampires really exist? If so what was


Jasper, he certainly was no human, he was too tall all six foot seven of him, and his voice was


like an angels, when he walked he looked so graceful almost like he was rollerskateing except there


was no rollerskates attached to his feet.





" I think you've had enough to endure for one day, I'll tell you more about me as we get closer,


that is if you want, and if not I understand", Jasper instructed. "Sure I'd love to be your friend


I don't mind, just please know that I have been through alot and trust is going to take some time


for me to build", Bella warned. "I understand, we'll let's get you home, shall we?" Jasper smiled.





"Thanks for saving me", Bella said, as Jasper hugged her, before tucking her into her bed at home


safe, it was so hard not to let go and Bella didn't understand why.It was midnight now, the night was


was chilly. "You're welcome", was all Bella heard before she went back to bed at midnight...

Chapter one of my book: Just a Dream Please review?
There are revisions that needs to be made. First off, the names. Did you get them off the "Twilight" Series? You need to change the names because if people read this story, they're going to think you stole the names from the "Twilight Series." Secondly, it's way to close to the "Twilight series." Sucking the poison out of her arm? Sounds very closely related to an event that occurred in the "Twilight" Series. You need to do some grammar checks (i.e, missing commas).





You need to rewrite the whole story because as I'm reading it, I can't help but think you're just copying the "Twilight" series with only a few minor changes to make it look different from the "Twilight" series....





There are some things in there that are interesting but it's too much like the twilight series.............revise! and make it original!
Reply:Don't use Twilight names.





It's not the best I've ever read and it kind of reminds me of Twilight.





Be more original.
Reply:um... using names from twilight totally ruins it.



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