A week at the gym?

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something


wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted


to get into a regular workout routine.





Dear Diary.


For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)


purchased a week of personal training at the local health club


for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my


college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good


idea to go ahead and give it a try.





I called the club and made my reservations with a personal


trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old


aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim


wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!


The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress





MONDAY


Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found


it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find


Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -


with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo


Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She


took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was


alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to


standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed


watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics


class after my workout today. Very inspiring!





Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut


was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was


around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!





TUESDAY


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the


door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar


into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a


little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.


Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel


GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.





WEDNESDAY


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush


on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I


believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as


long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO


in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me,


insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her


voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when


she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.


My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on


the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to


simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda


told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said


some other **** too.





THURSDAY


Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth expos e d


as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I


couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to


tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When


she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent


Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing


machine -- which I promptly sank.





FRIDAY


I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever


hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,


skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my


body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with


it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any


triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me


the mother f----n' barbells or anything that weighs more than a


sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health


and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone


softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?





SATURDAY


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,


shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just


hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.


However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and


ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.





SUNDAY


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can


go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that


next year my wife (the *****) will choose a gift for me that is


fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

A week at the gym?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


oh what? Sorry, dosed off or a second i was....


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Reply:I didn't laugh out loud, sorry. I don't think I laughed at all....
Reply:i kept waiting for a punch line.....





ad there was none
Reply:OMG I mean like OMG


I cudn't read it all!


soo much words r there!


and no, I don't hink it's funny cz a person will sleep b4 getting till its end!!!



my cat